Fucking Quiz

Skip this for a meaningful blog post.

#1 The first person who tag in your blog is?
Tako.

#2 Your relationship with him/her?
What?

#3 Your impression of him/her?
Hyperactive.

#4 The most memorable thing he/she had done for u?
None.

#5 The most memorable thing he/she said to you?
None.

#6 If he/she become your lover you will
Laugh like hell at the impossibility.

#7 If he/she become you lover, thing he/she has to improve will be
Nothing.

#8 If he/she become your enemy, you will?
Not care,

#9 If he/she become your enemy, the reason will be?
Offend my family, friends or whatever.

#10 The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is?
Buy her vitasoy that i promised/owed.

#11 Your overall impression of him/her is?
Carefree.

#12 How you think people around you feel about you?
"Looney."

#13 The characters that you love yourself are
None.

#14 On the oth contray, you hate yourself are?
Lots.

#15 The most ideal person you want to be is?
Me.

#16 For people that care and like you, say smth to them?
Thanks. But I doubt they are.

#17 Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wished to know how they feel about you. Pass to people with blogs only.

I refuse to burden anymore with this needless quiz.

That is all.

Random eh?

I was clearing my inbox and sent items, just looking through the past 2 years of E-mails that I had sent.

This one particularly touched me, and I guess I'll post it out here. This is me, sending this to a few people, back on 8th of march, year 2007.

>Pretty much, the past few weeks of the holiday have been absolutely boring, without any good conversations going on, or the chance of having one, for the entire month. I've patched up with a few people, and I feel good I guess, as I do get a little farther from certain people. Its a little balance I guess. I can't be with everyone, despite whatever I do. Its a little hidden secret of mine that I actually want to be friends with everyone for the longest time possible without losing contact, despite how I seem to be a little distant. But at times, I just wait for them to message, only finding myself having to start it first, but ending up failing as the person is already flooded with messages, or one way or another. Lack of time maybe, but eh. Rofl.

Time has passed, people have matured. And I got over things already. Sure, I still got my usual jealous urges, but I'll have to get over it sometime. Life is life, its never really fair for some people at certain times. I'll have to accept that for the little realist I want to be, I strive to be. Despite its little "conflict" against my so-called horoscope, Pisces, as it mentions that Pisces people are usually dreaming and love to fantasize. And I admit, I do fantasize. Meeting people like you, wondering what we'd do, and so on and so forth. Fantasies galore without any of them having a chance to come true. I guess its isn't healthy, but its how I... "live". Its how I think. Its how I will be until the day I die.

And instead of whining, crying, not accepting the fact, I'd rather take it head on and grit the discomfort away. Because nothing I do will change anything. I'll have to stick to one designation throughout everything. If people are happy, then so am I. I tell myself that all the time, almost lying to myself. It'll be alright if they're happy right?

But there's always that little disappointment you feel for not being the one for her, or that person. Maybe you want another shot at it, possibly with a different person. But you can't wait. Time passes so slowly, painfully but nothing happens at all. I'm prepared for that possibility, planning out my life as minimally as possible with maximum flexibility just in case anything happens. But otherwise, I'll be living a pretty standard, boring life. Donating what extra I have off my paycheck to orphanages, buying video games when off work and making friends and doing what I do best to most people; Be their best buddy.

I understand that to most girls, I seem more like a big teddy bear. The best friend that doesn't mind listening to every single thing they say, always looking into me for insight on the opposite gender. And I accept it. Even if most of them do not look any further than that, its what I am. All attempts at showing off my inner side have ended up imploding in my own face, making myself pissed, disappointed, filled with envy and just... dejected.

But thats what living a life is I guess. Experimenting, adapting, getting to know people and circumstances better. Its a painful yet somewhat enriching process. And yet, you have to wonder; why am I writing this E-mail? Maybe its because I trust you. Maybe its because I wanted you to get your mind off things. Maybe I wanted to just express myself to someone whom I admit, is somewhat stronger.

For someone like me, Its hard for me to actually accept I bared myself to someone. Its a little degrading in my mindset to submit myself, or open myself up like this, somewhat. I've always wanted to appear strong, helping out in whatever way I can. But I've never really had anyone to do the same with. And ironically, the people I help. I long for someone who can help me in the same way. But like I said, we'll see what time has in store for me, and for you.

I've got no idea how I wrote something this long, but there you have it. I actually did. Maybe you can write about how I am to you, maybe you can express yourself. Maybe you can say how my ideas are childish or just noble. Its all up to you. Heck, you don't even need to reply if you have something else to do. I guess thats fine, and I'm used to it by now. Your happiness is prioritized over my own at any time, despite whatever I think it might be.


- Shaft

For 2 blog posts, skip this post.

Otherwise, quiz I wanna do.

Currents
Current mood: Malevolent. Belevolent. Contradictory. Contemplative. I don't know.
Current taste: Mom's Curry Chicken.
Current clothes: Pants.
Current desktop: Sakura Izayoi, Hong Meiling, Patchouli Knowledge, and the Scarlet Sisters.
Current toenail Color: Neutral.
Current time: 1.03 AM
Current thoughts: ... I need to sleep.

Firsts
First best friend: Zulfadli Zameer. Friends in our respective mothers' tummies, friends when we got out and breathed the air, and friends 'till the end of Primary School.
First crush: Shafika from Kindergarten, I think.
First movie: In the theaters? Tarzan Malay Dubbing. >_>
First alcohol: This year.
First cigarette: This month.
First time clubbed: Never. Don't think I will.
First partner: None.
First kiss: None.
First lay: None.

Lasts
Last cigarette: Last Saturday.
Last alcohol: June?
Last car ride: Last Thursday, with Mr Herman.
Last crush: Go figure.
Last movie: VCD-wise, The Three Kingdoms: Ressurection of the Dragon. Theater-wise, Kung-Fu Panda.
Last time clubbed: Never.
Last partner: None.
Last phone call: Irsyad.
Last CD played: Too long ago.
Last song played: Some UI-70 Remix.
Last person kissed: Never.
Last lay: Never.
Last place gone to: ITE West (Clementi)

Have you ever
Have you ever dated one of your best friend: Yeah, I have.
Have you ever broken the law: A few times.
Have you ever been arrested: Nope.
Have you ever been on TV: Kind of.
Have you ever kissed someone you don't know: Nope.
Have you ever had sex with someone you don't know: Funny.
Have you ever did drugs: Hell no.
Have you ever masturbated: Any man who says no, is obviously lying.

Places
Places you can be always seen at: Home, School.
Places you like to go: Beach, anywhere with fresh air, a nice lake, a pier...
Places you'd like to visit: Japan, Europe, I dunno. I prefer staying local.

Things
Things you like to eat: Anything edible. But Mee Rebus is in my mind for now.
Things you like to do: Slack, Chat, Discuss/debate, play computer games, sleep.
Things you do when you get bored: Whine.

___________


I don't feel like tagging. Just not who I am.

A set of Random Scribbles I wrote in my notebook on the 28th of October and today.

28th of October

It might be important to make sure your message gets across. Things might turn out to be more or less than they are supposed to. Give and take. Imperfections are the key to being unique, not bind by the social standards of mankind's communities.

Having nothing to do might be boring, but always take the opportunity to rest, recuperate and reflect on what has happened in your life. I guess that's how you "treasure every moment" in life, in a way. If all else fails, resort to the way you were before your hormones started raging and the strong attractive feelings for the opposite gender started appearing.

________________________

For Today.

Sorry seems to be the most used excuse ever known to man, admitting that he has done something and yet, is not able to doa nything to make up for it or reverse the consequences of the action that he has done. A single word that brings about different amounts of effectiveness, depending on how it has been used, the amount of times and the tone/situation its used at.

But the fact remains that such things can never be the same again. There is close to no such thing as complete forgiveness without some sort of doubt. There will always be that small fragment of trust that will be hard to regain. But in most cases, the opportunity to do so will never appear. In the end, regret might be the only thing left.

Prevention better than cure, eh?

Its time to face the facts; I'm most definitely NOT part of anyone's fantasies, I'm unattractive, I've got a weird BO, I'm weird and I'm probably temperamental.

Then again, whatever. <3

Love is to hate,
I believe its our fate.
Not to relate,
Nothing's too late.

There's limits to satisfaction,
Its time for emancipation.
Freedom is within our sights,
Lets step up, bring on the lights.

- Shaft

You know, sometimes, we tend to ponder about the word "Equality" and every single aspect of it. Are we all really born equal? With equal opportunities and stuff like that? The only differences being that it would be up to us to grab these opportunities and make full use of them. And well, equality is one hell of a far-fetched word that's imperfect on its own. Used on its own, the vagueness it implies can be pretty much dangerous, if not offensive.

Are we all really equal? Mentally, physically, and in terms of charisma, both physical allure and just your attitude. The environment around you, how you were raised, influenced during your most impressionable ages as you grew up. Are all of these really "equal"?

I doubt it.

And so, we have people of different aptitudes. Those who can talk well, present well, those who can think quickly and yet there are people who are socially inept or unable to accept themselves.

On a side-note, its fuckin' amazing how I typed all of the above just to prepare for a single, selfish rant.

Otherwise, since I'm adhering to my weird "code" of blogging, which is to not directly refer to real-life issues, I'll just say the following;

Give and take; Everything's a fucking double-edged sword these days.

I'm "that person" in your life that once helped you, was once your friend and once talked to you. I'm "that person" who listened, helped you and gave advise, offering a shoulder to cry on whenever you needed one. I'm "that person" who stood on the sidelines, watching you with a watchful eye, noticing your body language, before leaving a message on your phone if I get concerned, without anyone else knowing/noticing unless you tell them.

I'm "that person" who randomly seems like a close friend on certain days, yet so far on others. I'm "that person" who is never mentioned, never thanked and yet, doesn't seem to mind at all, helping others with their lives, seemingly as if his own was perfect, if not filled with flaws everywhere.

Ending this with a last note;

I'm always there, the door's always open. "That person" is never too far and even if he's busy, has some time to talk over the phone, or message you whenever he can. He is human after all.

PS: Shit, I need to blog more. Signing off.

To any of you reading this blog.

Any emotions spilled in this blog, stays in this blog. Angst, disappointment and even happiness, they remain where they were written. The blog is to reflect my inner self, my own issues without affecting the people around me negatively. It is my own private, sound-proof corner to scream out at the world at, to pound my fists at the cushioned confines of my own mental walls.

But to use this blog as a measure of my current mental state, to use whatever emotions I have portrayed here to be an extension of who I really am in life in anyway, is like opening the door in that silent-proof room that I've created in my mind, in this space of the internet.

If you don't want my emotions to get in the way, simple.

Don't mention them, at all.

Thanks to Melissa for showing me this back long ago. Just remembered about it a day ago.



Touching eh? The handshake in the vid... Maybe used for October. XD

Split between entities in a single body.

The person you want to be.

The person you're born to be.

The person you're raised to be.

Consolidating them into a single consciousness, but no matter what you do, they end up splitting up into two halves. The conscious half, and the unconscious half. Both equally positive and negative, yet mixed up. Positives of different entities and negatives of different entities, all equally distributed among the two trains of thought running through my heart and soul. They exist like twin dormant volcanoes, creating a unique landscape of your characteristics and personality. Making you stand out from the rest. Sure, you're similar in many aspects, but different as well, due to the strange, yet equal mix between the positives and negatives of both consciousnesses.

And when both don't get along, watch them erupt like never before. Yet, your soul struggles to keep the eruption in check, holding it in, as your body reacts by being jaded, empty, apathetic to most.

But every single time they erupt, they grow even larger, previous layers of ash piled up after multitudes of eruptions.

Will they finally grow tall enough, that an eruption wouldn't be as violent as they used to?

Would they finally grow and shape themselves as a single volcano?

Time will tell.

Maybe I should just blog about my days and feelings for the day, rather than wait for some overly complicated epiphany before I write stuff. XD

Things started as usual, with me sighing as I dragged my ass to the toilet to bathe and all, getting myself nicely dressed and perfumed before I headed out. Met Lya, and skipped off to school. Chatted as usual, despite the MRT being totally crowded for some reason today. As people tell you things, sometimes, you wander off in your own thoughts, distracted by the possibilities that might happen. What if that situation happened to you? Possibilities, placing yourself in the shoes of the people who are involved, be it the very person telling the situation about you, the victim, or the consoler that probably told her what to do.

Maybe your opinions might have differed. Maybe you'd agreed and would've said the same thing.

Then again, you also wonder.

"Why the hell is my life so uneventful?"

Sure, yawn every single day, shake your legs and spend hours listening to game Soundtracks, music and whatnot, just whittling time away, waiting for the moments that truly matter, or when people need you.

Why not right? XD

Leading a carefree life of "Fuck it" to most obstacles, but dealing with them as you go along with life with the most appropriate amount of effort and passion, BUT as though looking as if you used the LEAST effort and had the least wear on your emotion. Thats the person I want to be, I can be and WILL be.

I want to be there for people, to help them along the way. To see them being successful when they can. Me? I guess I'll just lead a good, stable life. I can't really ask for more.

A girlfriend? A wife?

Bonus options, maybe. But not a requirement. XD

I always say that I'm meant for the older generation. Just work in some bloody farm, get a wife, work work work, get some babies, work work work, get my children to work for me, die of old age.

I mean, its simple. XD

Agree or Disagree?

Instrumentals can possibly help more than lyrics do for the damaged soul.

For lyrics, you start UNDERSTANDING what th song is from the lyrics. You start relating, reminding you of certain things that might make you feel worse or calm you down. But being a mixture of both, it usually slows down the healing process, no matter how soothing it might feel. Instrumentals, including rock/metal ones, not just the classics, are different.

The understanding is subconscious, not obvious. You either calm down or get worked up, but from the inside, meaning the rate of it happening is much more gradual, natural. The emotions evoked from the notes, the beats, the rhythm is natural, coming from a time when before language was formalized into the norm. This is almost the opposite of spoken words, which are structured and limited only to the song that encases them.

I wouldn't say that Instrumentals are more powerful. Lyrics can be more powerful because it strikes your conscious. You know what you listen to; The meaning is literal. It strikes you while you are fully awake, triggering the emotions. Instrumentals however, bring you from the inside-out instead, further enhancing its ability to therapeutically make the person feel better.

Random thought. Comments? D=

Holding back tears on the train, in the bus and back at home, sighing it away as I distract myself from my reservations, my own worries and negative emotions. About what I should do, need to do and want to do, organizing them from the cluttered, confused mass of thoughts that they were while I mingled, influenced and confused by encouragements and nudges.

Should I or shouldn't I?

Maybe I could've been faster. Maybe I should be less sloppy. Maybe I can....

Nah. Screw it all.

Back to the basics. Go with the flow, as I'd always say.
I kinda cracked under pressure, under the impression that not being alone for once would be great. Maybe I should try it. With the sheer realization of who I am though, followed up by the opening I made for my negativity, it tore through my soul, instigating the pathetic emotions of anger, sadness, dejection, regret and uselessness... And for what? Just because I can't get hitched?

Bah, pathetic.

Guess I need to go cover a few spots before I recuperate.

Out.

I'd like to thank h0rse for the changes in the blogskin. XD

Though I did love the touch Angela placed in it, so I just... asked for minor changes, and he added a few personal touches. <3 Sakuya Iyazoi. :3
____________________________________________________________________
Writing this in class, since I don't exactly feel compelled to do work... And listening to Sakuya Izayoi's theme (the UI-70 remix) has gotten me pumped up enough to gather enough thoughts/emotions for a post. I pour out too much at a time to post often. Maybe I shoudln't pour it all out at once. >_>

I'll edit in a picture later. Internet speed here is like me doing something I don't like. Rofl.

Then again, there's so much you can really explain about emotions. In the end, its one huge vicious (or sweet) cycle, with reality always catching up to kick you in the arse, telling you not to take your own time with certain things. Poo. Then again, time stops for no one, right? And I guess thats kind of common sense, no need to remind myself and all of you out there. Hurr.

Its back to the same old doubts and the dreadful feeling that I'm no good enough for something, or someone. Or just... don't want to do it. Rofl. Its unexplainable, my subconcious telling me things that I usually wouldn't give a hoot about. I start caring, doing what I can to... "help". But in a way, I contradict myself alot. Thanks much, subconcious.

I'm pretty drained of stuff to write about, or motivation/inspiration to write or do anything. I'm pretty much "Dead", going along with what the flow of life pushes me along to do. Then again, I've been physically materializing it, craftign it into the laid back personality that I have. Though, as Ariel placed in her PM a week ago... "People should be like Tea..."

And I guess thats me for now. Or ever. XD.

Love-wise... Well.

I don't think I'll be chasing anyone, or doing anything about it for now. Why?" I just don't feel like it. :3

Shaft out.

I am...

Hurr. Picture from Prom night, 14th November, 2007. (I took almost an hour picking a picture. D=)

Anyway, back to the topic at hand...

I've been reflecting on myself over the past few months, especially the period when I had no school whatsoever, thinking and reflecting and seeing what kind of person I had been over the past few years in Secondary school. Vowing to change whatever in whatever way that I can and I know, will be better for the people around myself. But for now, I'd like to post about how I see myself and how I understand myself in whatever way I can in words.

I'm an "everyman". I think of myself as someone who's probably into many, many things. I'm into literature, poetry, art, anything classical and civilized. Yet I'm also into rock, some rap. The modern stuff and culture. I'm interested in them as well. This has even taken root in my personality. Characteristics. And further confused me as to who I really am.

I'm pretty outgoing. I don't mind doing things for people. I joke, I want to make people happy, for them to smile. Maybe for some attention to myself, so I don't feel dead. I feed off attention, I want to be alive. But selflessly as well. Its not just the attention. Their happiness matters first. I'd hate to hinder their studies or anything as well, so I'd prevent doing anything to annoy them as much as I can. I pretty much fit into the class joker/slacker category, with me skipping out on homework, but still being "well-behaved" enough.

At the same time, I'm an introvert. I might want to be alone, to recuperate, to think about the world. About why human beings can be so harsh, yet so caring. The contrasts between different people and why they're different, but yet have such glaring similarities. Why is this so? The world around me at times, can be insignificant. I search for myself. Who I really am. What really makes me happy?


And about my imperfections, my perverse thoughts and how that has ruined a few relationships. Don't get me wrong. Relationships in general, be it friends or anything more or less, between people. My attitude. Selfish wants. My urges. Why?

Why am I such a fucktard?

Yet I love who I am. I don't completely hate it.

But I've worn down. A void has been ripped out from my heart and soul. I'm still to blame for whatever I've done to myself. And I can't be any more or less apologetic. But there's only so much the word "sorry" can do. The wasted time. The disappointment. The sadness. Anger. Any feeling I've caused others. There's only so much I can do.

I can apologize. Hate myself. Do something. But...

-sighs-

And yet...

I've become Jaded.

Carefree. Oblivious. None of it matters now. The past is the past. Things happen, people move on.

And all I can do, is hope they forget whatever I did, forget me, and live on their lives with a smile on their faces. But my door is always open to them if they so wish, though I doubt I'm ever good enough for them anymore.... I just want to do what i can, even if they make use of me as some... "back-seat" friend.

Like I said; I'm already jaded. If they're happy, thats good enough for me. Disappointment, sadness, anger. There's only so much these emotions can bring and do.

Silence. Calmness. Serenity. The things I want in my mind. The clarity to make the decisions that really matter.

And maybe one day, find someone who loves me...

... Harr. Huge laughs.

Shaft, out.

When I first entered ITE, I had quite the positive outlook; I couldn't really give a damn about reputation or "face". I just wanted to start anew, to set things right. To make a good first impression. Not like who I was back in Secondary school.... Or at least not as bad. I still have my limits. ^^

Well, its been... Almost two months ever since I've been in Clementi ITE. Other than the daily rants that I usually had About MRT travel everyday from bloody Bedok (which I eventually got used to.), I pretty much love my class. Everyone gets along, no one really argues, etc... Sure, there's a few rough spots that have appeared later on.... But also, we've bonded and have gotten even closer. And thats really great. Within a few weeks even, all of us were already treating each other as old friends.

Despite the workload and all, life's been good. I'm still the carefree bastard I say I am (Yeah, no regrets about not doing homework, as usual)

Hurrr.

Shaft out.

Ah well. Thats me on Sunday. Har har. Maybe I'll use a pic before every post like what a few of you guys suggested. Just like everyone else eh?

Well, otherwise... People think I've been sad or I've been hiding something from everyone else, or think that I'm disappointed with myself for being sacked from the Monitor position and all. No, I'm not feeling anything actually.

Just... blank. XD

Please understand; I have my own different sides too. ^^

Nothing much to post; I'm still blank.

Shaft, out.

Another. MEMEMEMEMEME. WHYYY.

Once again, because of the different questions, I'll do it.

And due to boredom

___________________________________

#1 If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

-Angry, Sad, Bitter, Vengeful

#2 If you can have a dream come true what would it be?

-... Yeah, hunk.

#3Do you believe in being in love forever?

-Laughable, blah blah.

#4 What do you want your friend to be like?

- Hurr. If they like me, I like them. :3

#5 What's your ideal lover like?

- Just someone who loves me, someone nice.

#6 Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

- Being loved by someone.

#7 How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

-Kinda depends. Not that long actually.

#8 If the person you secretly liked is attached, what would you do?

-If she's happy, I'm happy. But bite down whatever negativity that emerges.

#9 Is there anything that make you unhappy these days?

- The fact I feel that I'm not dependable enough.

#10 If you have a choice, what kind of family would you want to be born into?

- ... Maybe if I had a younger sister...

#11 Is being tagged fun?

-Not when its for quizzes. >_>

#12 How do you see yourself in 10years time?

-... Shaft. Duh.

#13 Who are currently the most important people to you?

-Myself. My friends. My family.

#15 Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?

-Single and bloody rich.

#16 What's the first thing you do every morning?

- Sigh.

#17 Would you give all in a relationship?

- Take it slow, one step at a time.

#18 Do you live to love, live to hate or live for the sake of living?

-I live because... I'm alive.

#19 What type of friends do you like?

-... Friends. Rofl.

#20.If you're feeling low one day, who will you go to?

-Myself.

__________

DO IT IF YOU WANNA. DAMN IT.

ANOTHER MEME!?

Tell me about it. -sighs-. But I'm bored, and the questions are slightly different, so hey. Why not?

_________

Instructions: Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question. Make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list.list them out at the end of this post.Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.


1. At what age do you wish to marry?
Huh. 25 and above?

2. What do you want the most now?
Just to lose some weight.... and cash.

3. Who is the person you trust most?
Myself.

4. List any 3 things about the person who tagged you.
Good, trustworthy and protective.

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
Being a Hunk? >_>

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Nope.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?
Sanity.

8. Do you believe in eternal love?
Laughable.

9. Are you going to Streetfest on 25th May?
Part of the Free Hugs team. >_>

10. What are the requirements that you wish from your the other half?
Fun, yet mature. Understanding.

11. Which type of person do you hate the most?
Obnoxious people, physical perverts and people who mess around with my friends and family.

12. Do you cherish every single of your friendship?
If the other party does, then so will I.

13. Do you believe in God?
Mmhm.

14. What do you see in your future?
Loneliness.

15. Do you find it a need for you to have a boyfriend /girlfriend?
I would -need- one to be truly happy, but its not exactly a need for survival, or to contain my sanity.

16. At this point of time, would you rather stay in your comfort zone or try something new?
Either.

17. What kind of friend you hope to be in your friends' eyes?
Someone dependable at all times.

18. If you have a chance, which part of your character would you like to change?
-presses on flab- Yarr.

19. What's your weak point ?
I'm somewhat of a hyprocrite.

20. What are you doing now?
Eating. (Duh)

_________

ONCE AGAIN...

Do it if you want to.

Inability.

Sometimes, you feel that you have this certain responsibility to keep the people around you happy. You'd love to be the one to do so, to be that very person to paste the smile on their faces. Or at the very least, even if its not a smile, manage to help them with whatever weight thats on their shoulders. True, there's no exact obligation to do so. But in a way, the responsibility is there. Just because you're friends.

And sometimes, when they don't react well, you feel as if you haven't done enough. Maybe you weren't good enough. Or maybe you feel you aren't... good enough as a friend. Sometimes, you feel bad that another person did it before you did. You feel inferior. True, its not exactly a competition. But the high standard you've placed on yourself to be that kind of friend to them, is enough to kill a small part of yourself.

Sometimes, I wished I wasn't this way. Cheerios.

-Shaft

Introduction.... Again.

Don't ask me WHY I'm introducing myself again. Maybe its because everytime I do so, I feel like a totally different person from before? I think this is probably the third time... Its not my lifestory, I think I have that barely 5 posts below or something. >_>

I'm someone who's carefree. I don't get myself pulled down by the troubles of others, or if everyone else gets sad, thats their problem. Not mine. I try to remain calm, composed and if possible, reliable at all times, no matter what the situation, question or problem. Of course, I also want everyone to succeed, and most importantly, smile and enjoy their lives. I wouldn't call myself best suited for the task, or if I'm a busybody for doing so...

But hey, so far, no complaints eh?

But in the end, I'm not so perfect. My past is far from perfect. I've fucked up my fair share of things as well. And the only reason I'm like this now, is because of all the experiences I've carried and brought with me through all the negative experiences, all as positive reminders, if possible. I'm an introvert, yet an extrovert. I'm a walking piece of contradiction. Maybe I'll elaborate on that someday. And people say my posts are too long and don't make much sense. D=

Comments? T_T

Doing this lame quiz (called a meme). Just doing this because she asked me to. >_>

1.How many children do you want?
- 2.

2.What you want the most now?
- A companion.

3.What do you want to be when you grow up?
- Someone who helps people, or is able to make the people around me smile.

4.If you can have 1 more dream to come true, what would it be?
- Maybe having less fat on meh body. >_>

5.What are you afraid to lose now?
- My sanity, my self-control.

6. Do you believe in being in love forever?
- Why not?

7.If you meet someone you love, would you confess to him/her?
- On the proper timing. Otherwise, no, or rarely so.

8.What would you do when you're feeling down and depressed?
- Just get some private time for myself to regain my composure, self-control and move on with my life.

9.What are the requirements that you wish from other half?
- Sincerity.

10.Which type of person do you hate most?
- Arrogant people, or selfish people.

11.Do you cherish every single of your friendship?
- Of course.

12. How do you feel about life now ?
- Could be worse. Gonna treasure every single bit of it.

13.What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
- Self-Control.

14.Do you find it a necessary for you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
- Its always a bonus.

15.What do you want your friend to be like?
- As long as I feel good being around with them, it's good enough.

16.What kind of friend do you hope to be in your friends' eyes?
- That guy we can trust and rely on.

17.If you have a change, which part of your character would you like to change?
- The aspect of procrastination.

18.If you're feeling low one day, who will you go to?
- Myself. Rofl.

19. Best childhood memory?
- Innocence, the lack of problems on my mind.

20. Are you happy with what you have in life right now?
- Always.

Instructions: Remove 1 question from above, and add in your personal question to make it a total of 20 questions. Then tag 8 people in your links list them out at the end of the post.Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.

_______________

Do it if you want. I'm not gonna impose it on anyone. Thats just not... me.

Whispers From The Heart

Back to what this blog was intended for; Thoughts, rather than rants about my life. I still will post random events in my life if I want to, on random intervals I guess. But otherwise... Yeah. Those kind of things get boring right? Not everyone wants to know your life story, but they want a place to contemplate and see views of the world from different angles or something.... Or I'm encroaching on the subject of chiminology again. >_>

Otherwise, I can confidently say that I'm probably, more or less, much happier than I was back then, on the posts that I have typed down and posted for the past two years or so. Heck, the posting rate was pretty low then. Its possible to read my entire blog in a sitting actually. And eh, if you want me to recall whatever event triggered me to do so, feel free to ask. I've got a wonderful long-term memory for names, events and small minor niches in life, but to balance it off, a wonderfully crappy short-term memory that somehow, rarely picks up homework.'

"WRITE IT DOWN IN A NOTEBOOK", the teacher would use to say. In the end, I end up not doing any of it again anyway. And when she demands the reason why, I can only meekly retort.

"I forgot I had a notebook for homework in the first place!"

Ah well.

True happiness is something that you'd only treasure after you've been in really deep... crap I guess. Sure, anyone can be happy, regardless of any factor. Be it race, gender or age. How happy you are? No problem. That would only depend on the occasion. Did you find a dollar on the floor? Did you win a PSP in a lucky draw? But what I'm gonna talk about, is treasuring happiness, one of the few things people don't do and willfully enjoy it, without truly treasuring the happiness that they're feeling, and just... basking in the moment, ensuring that the happiness lasts for as long as possible, continuing it wherever you are.

Some people just joke around, hop around, bringing about them an aura of happiness. These people themselves might not even treasure happiness. Sure, they like it. They're good at bringing it around. But are they grateful? Its a very subtle difference I've just picked up recently. With this... feeling of happiness I've always longed for, I try to keep myself happy, or at least smiling, no matter what the situation. I might not be the best joker, or consoler to keep anyone, or everyone happy, nor am I willing, or want to be some busybody poking around for problems to solve, or at least thats what people think.

There's nothing wrong with being concerned with friends, is there?

As months pass by, I've done more than adequate thinking about my own life, about my emotions and why I feel that way. In return, I think I understand myself a whole lot better than I used to. And in a way, I guess I've reached that point of maturity in which I can be a true slacker; being laid back and taking life in its stride and solving whatever problems that get in my way, one at a time. And the calmness that comes with it is always welcome, no matter what the situation.

Of course, that doesn't mean my negative feelings have mellowed at all either. They still float back, haunting me in their irregular intervals. But this time, I understand why I feel this way. And in the end, there's really nothing to fret about. Its just me really wanting something I can't have yet. Besides, there's always plus sides to being single, right?

Har har, yeah. Big boss Shaft wants a girlfriend. D=.

Then again, who doesn't right? XD

Otherwise, single-hood isn't bad either. As a slacker, it leaves me with much, much more time to recharge my social energies, considering my 'secret', double identity as a true introvert...

And at the same time, being a total, psychotic lunatic who gets nicknamed as COOKIE MONSTER in class. >_>

Bloody Kelly. >_>

Oh well. I guess playful innocence is always an ingredient for laughs and happiness. In my opinion, its never good to rush maturity and shrug off childishness as unimportant and even worse, unnecessary. How the heck are you gonna relate to your kid when you get one later in your life? D=. And god, what fun is life without being childish once in awhile? Otherwise...

If all else fails, go back to the basics of life before maturity, before emotions and hormones started to fuck around with your head, mental control, feelings and motivation.

If all else fails, cry. Laugh. Hop around like you would back when you were little, maybe wanting a little attention, or lying your eyes are dry when you shed a tear and pasting that smile on your face. And even when its pasted on, its sincere, in a way you don't want your friends to worry.

Ah, such complications life has.

And yet, such simplifications childhood brings you.

What I been up tew.

SINCE I IS BORED.

I shall explain what I've been up to the past few months.

Well, other than just slacking my life away at home on my PSP, playing various games and the like, I've also made up my mind/decided to quit all MMORPGs and online games whatsoever. With that much time now free from the lack of anything to do, I now hang around a local Singaporean forum, namely SgCafe. I'm an active member now, and its been a good few weeks for me. I'd thank them for providing me with a good, healthy social environment to spend my time in, and for the friends they've brought me. I've become a much, much happier person now. ^^

ITE-wise, I've been made Class Monitor, and a few of them even call me Boss. >_>

Some call me Shasha.

RAWR.

I is picked on with the Sai Gang jobs. >_>

Dunno what else to do. Maybe I'll link to pictures next time? =3

REQUEST for them maybeh.

I is away~!

I IS BACK.

As much as possible, I'll try to make a few changes to the font to make it clear, so people can actually read, lawl. WELL. I shall revive this blog!... And with it, need to trim off my links as well, so I can add the ones that actually still are alive/matter, and remove the dead links. Hopefully, that;ll rid of a few ounces of emotional baggage as well. Otherwise, there's a whole lot of things that I have to explain. Many things have happened since the last time i posted (duh, 4 months isn't a short amount of time), so I'll try to make it short, since I don't think I can do much with this degree of fatigue.

I've half-flunked my O levels.

English - A1
Humanities (Social Studies/History) - C5
Pure Geog - C6
Science (Phy/Chem) D7
Mathematics (E Maths) E8
Malay - C6
CCA - A2 - 2 Bonus Points.

I have about 26 points (L1R4 I think)

I is now in ITE Clementi, after most of my appeals didn't pass through.

Business Administration class, but god. ITS SO FAR.

I is not the only Bedok Green Secondary student there, but I shan't disclose their names, just in case its a shame for them.

Otherwise, I'm enjoying every single moment in class. <3

More details later, maybe. I NEED TO SEE WHO READS. D=

Arr.

-Shaft.