Drown out the distortions in your thoughts, audible voices that can be understood, words among the sounds, distracting you, discouraging you from what you want to achieve from something. Or turning your attentions away from the solutions, the bright side of things. Instead, focusing them on the negatives of a certain event or happening, the consequences happening by your own two hands as you react to the stimulus, affected by the distortions.

Why can things never be so simple? There's always so many factors involved. A third party? Feeling torn? Choices? Is it really worth all of this shit I'm going to walk through?

Or am I really the cause of all this? Is it so hard to just wish for one thing and want nothing else more than that one, single thing?

Is it so bad to just be selfish, just this once?

Reality seems to say yes. Fingers point to you, even your own. Guilt wells up upon you, can you handle the burden? Thinking about the risks doesn't cut it anymore.

Then again, they never really do. What can happen, what can you do to avoid them, or solve them in the end. That should be the case. Risk-taking is one thing, managing it is another. Even so, too many people mistake one for the other.

Far too many, in more ways than one.

Love. The most oxymoronic word I've ever really seen. It can be so wonderful, yet so painful. Contradictions in one, beautiful word that most people even shirk at its mere mention to this day.

One-sided love is a pretty good example. You do it willingly, painfully. Without logic, without reason.

Its not the first time,

But it wouldn't be the last.

Shaft out.

The song in the background of my blog plays through my mind, filling my head with memories as to why I created the blog in the first place. The memories that inspired each blog post, and the events that transpired after these very blogposts. The links that most of you wouldn't really know about, yet appear crystal clear to me, each post carrying an encryption of a chapter into my life, an unbreakable code, its answers hidden deep in my heart.

An abstract body of words, filled with emotion as I inscribe them onto the text box on the screen, the typing facilitating it as I mentally dictate, the speed at which I type ensuring that no idea or thought escapes and even so, the output is tame, with the soothing, background theme of my blog playing, constantly reminding me of the reason why I started this blog in the first place.

Once more into the breach, my friend.

Contemplation, fueled by the need to understand one's self, to fully comprehend the thoughts behind each emotion, the emotion behind each fragment of thought, and the physical output of these thoughts, how they manifest into mannerisms, actions, attitudes towards people. How they are expressed to those around me, how I seem to them as I do so.

Must I put myself through so much scrutiny? Am I not as imperfectly human as everyone else?

Contradictions, as thoughts crash into each other, agreeing yet disagreeing, your mind engulfed in the chaos of its wake, confused and yet, protected by a countermeasure that had been created together by your very mind and body, a by-product of many such internal conflicts within one's mind.

Do I embrace this apathy? This jaded feeling? Perhaps.

Or is it just a ruse? Something I hide behind to not show my vulnerabilities? Or so I think. To some, that very barrier I wrap around myself is nothing but a lie. A bubble of insincerity that I have wrapped around myself, selfishly, perhaps.

Contemplation.

Really though, who gives a shit. I'm just going to live life as it is. Imma let whatever fate has in store for me and fucking go for it.

And if anything...

I gotta be myself throughout.

Shaft, out.

Pretty damned good. One of the best quizzes ever. Far from the teensy, angst-filled, obvious quizzes in quizilla.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

Felt like doing a quiz.

No lying on the quiz.



Starting Time: 0106 hours

Name: Shafyuddin AKA Shaft
Sisters: 3
Brothers: 0
Eye Color: Brown/Black
Shoe size: 13
Hair: Black / Very slight tinge of brown under sunlight
Piercings: 0
Height: 175

What are you wearing right now?
Pants

Where do you live?
Singapore, Bedok

Favorite Number: 4
Favorite Drink: Iced Water
Favorite Month: June
Favorite Breakfast: Anything that warms the tummy.


***********Have You Ever***********

Broken a bone: No
Been in a police car: No
Been on a plane: Yes
Been in a hot tub: Yes
Swam in the ocean: Yes

Fallen asleep in school: Ho ho, alot.
Broken someone’s heart: ... Perhaps.
Cried when someone died?: Nope.
Fell off your chair: Yep.
Sat by the phone all night waiing for someone to call: I guess so.
Saved e-mails: Yes
Been cheated on: Hmm... Yeah.

***********What is************

Your room like? : Corner by the living room. <_<
What is right beside you? Blanket, Pillow.
What is the last thing you ate? : Rice + Meat + gravy

———————-Ever Had- ————————-

Chicken pox: No.
Sore throat: Yep.
Stitches: Nope.
Broken nose: Nope.

————————-Do You————————–

Believe in love at first sight?: Mmhm.
Like picnics: Always.

———————————————————

Who was the last person you danced with?: One of my ITE Classmates...
Who last made you smile?: Can't remember.

————————–Who—————————

Did you last yell at?: Mark Aaron Lee.
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?: Neither.

———-Final Questions————-

What are you listening to right now?: Blade Chord - Abingdon Boys School
What did you do today? Bathed, ate, drank, took the bus, train, talked to friends, got myself into my project groups, talked, socialized, got my ass home.
Hate someone in your family?: Not really.
Diamond or pearl? Pearl.
Are you the oldest? Nope.
Indoors or outdoors: Both are fine.

——————Today did you———————-

1. Talk to someone you like?: Kinda.
2. Kiss anyone? Nope.
3. Get sick? Sore Throat + Cough
4. Sing? Yep.
5. Talk to an ex? What ex? <_<
6. Miss someone?: Mmm...
7. Eat?: Yarr.

—————-Last person who——————

8. You talked to on the phone?: Nafika

9. Made you cry?: Huh.

10. Went to the movies with? Hua Wei?

11. You went to the mall with? Tako.

——————Have you——————-

19. Been to Mexico? No
20. Been to USA? No

——————-Random——————–

21. Have a crush on someone?: -sigh-
22. What books are you reading right now? Textbooks. <_<
23. Best feeling in the world? Satiation.
24. Future kids names? Hurr hurr.
25. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? -points to self-
26. What’s under your bed? Air.
27. Favorite sport(s) to watch?: Hmmm.
28. Favorite place: Home.
29. Who do you really hate?: Arrogance.
30. Do you have a job?: Nope.
31. What time is it now? 0117 Hours.

-takes a deep breath and starts to type-

Emptiness, melancholy, sadness yet somewhat satisfied, hanging around, strummung the guitar practicing chords 'till your fingers get sore from the fresh, stiff strings. The amateur fingers still soft, calluses unformed. Playing the same 4 chords over and over, attempting to quicken the transition between E minor, C, G, D. Playing it with different self-experimented strumming patterns, with two different picks, and his uncallused thumb, struming backwards with this thumbnail to create some sort of an echo.

As he tried his best to do so, his mind wandered, to his past, present and his possible future. The possible consequences of his every action, how it would affect possible aspects of his future. His thoughts distracted him, as the pick slipped past his fingers and right into the gaping hole of the guitar's main body, as the strings echoed the mis-played chord into that very same hole.

"Fuck."

He sighed, as he turned the guitar over, shaking it and moving it in various positions to get the pick out. By the time he did, the pain in his fingers had fully surfaced, and he put the guitar to rest for the day, laying it against his TV, noticing his red finger tips and the impressions the strings had made upon them, wondering when the calluses would appear.

He sat on his bed, leaning on the rough wall, as he looked upon his laptop.


The various programs, clients he had on. The people on them, or not on them. Not replying to his messages. Did he do anything wrong? He would never really know. They wouldn't reply. With some form of guilt welling inside him, he sighed. It was pointless to worry. It wouldn't do anything. Perhaps he would find out some other time.

He had learnt to smile through the disappointment, discomfort or guilt. Sulking did nothing but worsen his mood, negative thoughts welling up. Smiling? Was he lying to himself?

Eh, what else was there to do? Smile and live another day. Its not like the world revolves around him. As he'd always repeat to himself, and others.

"I'm just another man."

Leaving a few messages that he wouldn't be back for two days, hopefully, the person he addresses it to would at least read it.

Shaft, out.

Happy fuckin' Valentine's, people.

Here's a song from me to you. <_<

http://www.mediafire.com/?juzixfw3dl2

Enjoy.

Stuff happens. I observe more human behavior, I learn more about them. And not like its all-godly either; I get affected myself, one way or another, inside.

Epiphanies, realizations, of certain things in life that can or can't be helped. That can or can't be done. Why certain things happen, and why they can't. And of course, the obvious;

Life is fuckin' unfair.

Before I end this short post though.

Don't underestimate OR overestimate each other's places in a relationship. Takes two hands to clap afterall.

I'm done.

The word flame would be too strong for that mild reply, really.

Otherwise, I don't really care who you are, or how you are. You speak as if I've never been in desperation over a girl. I claim? Not really. The word deduction would be more accurate. One SMS? False. I read more than that. Oh wait, you contradicted yourself there.

Judgement? False. I'm not worthy of such things. An opinion of you would be a much more accurate term.

Save your pity for yourself. I've fallen into that rut once, it cut deeply, and so far, I've learnt a pretty good lesson. I'm not as "completely selfless" as you are. I'm a self-righteous bastard who really, could rip off any affection for the girl I "love" if I feel the need arising to. Would hurt later, possibly. But I still have my dignity and pide to hold on to.

Shaft, out.

For the one who's concerned

For that certain person who might want to know who "Shaft" is after she SMS'd you that she was meeting me; Welcome to my little blog here.

I would really love to clarify that me and her are nothing but close friends, more of a sworn sister than anything else. I've known her for 3 years now. If there was anything that could happen, or would happen, it would've happened in those 3 years back then. I'll swear that on my pride.

Also, you should consider yourself a lucky bastard for her saying yes to you even though she's known you for less than half a year, really.

Now, she's said yes, and has given in to your demands and petty "rules". Subjected herself to your expectations of "rules of a relationship". Please, thats not even fuckin 'natural. I'm not gonna mention names or groups here. You know who you are and what the afforementioned rules are.

You practically switched from an angry man, to throwing a hissy fit, before you started begging. Make up your mind. If you want to change, do so. Being posessive like that does nothing healthy for your relationship. Why am I poking my nose through this? Its because I would really, really hate to see her feeling sad, irritated or threatened.

She is beautiful for who she is; Straightforward, self-centered and blur, sub-consciously mature, but unwillingly so. Not when you twist her to your whims, while you claim to change, despite being petty and posessive even when you claim to give her "Freedom".

Grow up man. I'm sure you're way overdue to read the paragraphs above written by some 18-year old guy whom you don't even know.

Shaft out.

Because I wanna know how stupid I am.

And I wanna get my head off work for awhile.

[ ] You have tripped a couple of times
[x] You were looking for a certain object then you realized it was on your hand
[ ] You have been hit by a ball in the head
[x] You have failed in P.E. class
[ ] You have been electrocuted
[ ] You have been called STUPID
TOTAL: 2

[x] You keep on forgetting what you are about to say
[ ] You've worn your clothes upside down a couple of times
[ ] You swim then you realize that you're losing breath
[x] You opened the fridge instead of opening the cupboard
[x] You thought Ricky Martin is straight (HE ISN'T?!!!)
[ ] You laughed and laughed then you choked
TOTAL: 3

[ ] It will take you more than 10 seconds before you realize that a joke is either funny or not
[x] Your keyboard is black, the lights are turned off and it's dark. You still tend to type.
[ ] You have no idea what an Xbox is
[ ] You don't know how multiply works
[ ] You kept writing but later you've noticed that you do not know what you're writing.
TOTAL: 1

[x] You know you're the only one in the class who has that name and yet you ask the question: who, me?
[ ] You don't know what he/she is talking about and yet, you still say YEAH.
[x] You don't know what's the difference between BOMBAIS and MUSLIMS
[ ] You were about to go out from your house when you felt that you have no underwear
[ ] You forgot to wear your shoes
TOTAL: 2

[ ] You don't know where you live.
[ ] You only know about 1/4 of the roads in your city
[ ] You don't know a single element
[ ] You don't know what an iPod is
[ ] You see a sign that says don't touch but you still touch it.
TOTAL: 0

[ ] You do not know what your name means
[ ] You don't have an idea what sims are
[X] You don't know what NEWS means
[x] You fell off your chair
[ ] You fight with someone, but you don't know what you're fighting about.
TOTAL: 2

[ ] You still don't know if a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable
[ ] You don't hear a thing when someone is shouting at you
[ ] You say what and huh a lot
[ ] You’re using a calculator to see your score in this test
TOTAL: 0

GRAND TOTAL: 10
Now take that number and multiply by 3!

30% huh.

Lifelines

Once in every while, I would consider the deletion of this blog. The lack of reactions from people who might read my blog, which in turn spurs the intention to just wipe this blog from existance. Why should I try to write something when people don't read it? Would it really help anyone if they read this, or is this a place to vent my own frustrations, rallying support to myself, or just ranting like a wuss?

But alas, no. I don't rant without some insight into it. I'm not turning this into a conventional blog of "MY DAY WAS FINE/CRAPPY/NOT BAD/HORNY". A reflection of my selfish, inner thoughts. But then again, its also for that very reason, people might not have an interest in my blog. Because its not conventional.

Deletion? Not deleting?

Nah. If all else fails, I'd rather read it myself. Whatever happens, the emotions I'v placed in the earlier posts are still real. It'd be a shame to let it die just like that.

I am...

I am just a normal man, walking on this Earth. I'm no one out of the ordinary. I was born like any other human being. With innocence, with emotions, with faults and in-born strengths. Keys to certain choices I have to make as I walk on the path of fate and destiny. More keys are given to me as I grow, guided by my parents, family and the society around me, as I further advance to school. And soon, my mind was my own, and I took control of what I wanted to do, learn and not play attention to.

As that happens, I start using the keys given to me, opportunities opening up new paths that I can choose to access or ignore, while not stopping at all, as time waits for no one. With influences from childhood, my own free will and the keys that I have been provided with, I walk on the path, aquiring new keys as I go along, possibly losing a few keys on the way. Occasionally, people who matter join me on the path, either helping me or kicking me off, but time waits for no one, and I move on with the best of my ability.

And I guess thats one way to think about life. At least before I start on my blogpost.

-sigh-

How do you define someone to be "better" than yourself?

Capabilities? Looks? How far he or she would go for love or friends as compared to you? At certain activities? Morales?

To be honest, I don't know.

Perhaps he or she is regarded as better whenever you feel envy towards the person. He or she can go so far for a loved one as compared to you. Perhaps he or she has better luck or circumstances.

A better person? Really. What defines he or she as such?

Then again, who cares eh?

Anyone wanna slack somewhere?