Its been too long. More than 2 months have passed since my last post. HAH, I doubt anyone's even reading this anymore. At any rate, I guess I'll post anyway, since I'm probably going to show this to more people in the future. But also, I've got nothing else to do other than to whittle my life away. Might as well do something "semi-productive", I guess.
I've struggled and done what I could for my "O" levels. Whatever regrets I had, I might as well fling 'em out of the window. Like I said, no point regretting. Might as well reap what I sow and handle it in the future, and plan better. I was in a slump for quite awhile, but with the abundance of time during the holidays, its given me more than enough time to think things over. Well, I can confidently say I'm much better than who I used to be, though I had to kill my own selfish reservations with things, I still have enough of myself to hate a few people who don't exactly deserve it. ;D
Though, I guess that doesn't really matter. Negative stuff never was fun to talk about to begin with. Well, with this much time, I've spent it all on my PSP, and friends whenever possible. Of course, cash has been a bitch as well, since my parents are gone for a month on their Pilgrimage to Mecca. I've been with my Sisters and my extended family, whom all have taken good care of each other. And well, cash being a bitch just means I have to watch how much I spend. Its not like they starve me or anything, mind you. ;D
Well, it has been two entire months after all, and I guess I do owe a few of you bored readers who finally check on what I've been doing. Well, not much, but I guess I'll list them out anyway.
The O levels were finally done, and most of us could barely wait for the Prom Night. I paid the $55 fee with my Hari Raya collections (That I can't even touch in the first place, so hey, its a win-win situation for me), and arrived at the location about an hour bloody early. Even so, the events began 30 minutes after the proposed meeting time, so there was plenty of time to cool off and relax in the hotel. The venue was the famed, Marina Mandarin Hotel. And god, did I love the Buffet. Damn. Top-class food with the prawns still quite "Rare" to preserve the crunchy-ness. Of course, not everyone liked the prawns like that. Can't blame 'em, most of us middle-class people tend to eat fully-cooked prawns that aren't even that "crunchy" in a sense.
Salmon, cakes, fruit... The buffet was heavenly.
The dance part though.... Fucked up. WHERE THE HELL WAS THE FORMAL DANCE MUSIC.
Screw RnB/rap/pop remixes. >_>
Well, other than that... If you want pictures, feel free to ask. Otherwise, I might post them up for the heck of it since no one might ask and I feel like posting them in the first place anyway. <_<>_>
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The void in the heart, the space left behind by someone dear. That space that sucks the light out of you, allowing the dark negativity to take over. What a way to start a little entry. But thats on my mind right now. The negativity engulfs you and you start ranting it out on everyone else for not being able to fill up that void. For this moment, you just feel selfish, you just want nothing else but a little cure to ease this pain. Maybe just someone to fill this void. Anyone willing, even. Desperation sets in. But you know no one will want to. At least you're confident about the fact no one will.
You try to laugh it off, gaining a little bit of the light back. Gradually, you gain it all back, the void being forgotten and put away for now. But it never fails to haunt you on certain moments. Always.
The feeling that you have failed your own expectations. The fact that things COULD have been different, but they aren't. It was best for the other person, but you got nothing but hard, cold loneliness. Self-pity wallows in yourself. But you know its useless. It does nothing but to make you feel worse. Taking a deep breath, you move on, pasting a smile to your face as you face your friends who know nothing about it.
And thats life for me.
O levels tomorrow. 3 weeks of slaving my ass off.
I'm done.
You try to laugh it off, gaining a little bit of the light back. Gradually, you gain it all back, the void being forgotten and put away for now. But it never fails to haunt you on certain moments. Always.
The feeling that you have failed your own expectations. The fact that things COULD have been different, but they aren't. It was best for the other person, but you got nothing but hard, cold loneliness. Self-pity wallows in yourself. But you know its useless. It does nothing but to make you feel worse. Taking a deep breath, you move on, pasting a smile to your face as you face your friends who know nothing about it.
And thats life for me.
O levels tomorrow. 3 weeks of slaving my ass off.
I'm done.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Ah, the O levels are finally here. Stress levels are finally sky high (partially due to fasting) and procrastination is no longer an option. Fucking finally, I'm cornered. Can't procrastinate anymore. Gotta do what I need to do. Well, might not be that bad anyway. I just plan to do my best, study my best, get over with it and well, live a life. I don't really see this as an obstacle...
I'd rather save that for National Service approximately 4 years or so down the road. Oh yes, thats just sweet. Either way, this is important if I want to get into that Psychology course in Temasek Polytechnic. Having my desired course AND having it near my house is definitely a damned good bonus for me. I just hope the no cut-off points for it helps me out more than anyone else. Otherwise, I'll definitely do my best.
Of course, the same old problems still plague me, the little emotional "demons" of my past never fail to take up the correct opportunity to shove their hot little red tridents up my fat behind. God knows how they fit in anyway.
Sure as hell don't want to know.
This is one of the very rare personal posts I do, though I doubt anyone reads this often nowadays since I don't update it at all. Nothing new I guess.
Will say more if needed. Ciao.
I'd rather save that for National Service approximately 4 years or so down the road. Oh yes, thats just sweet. Either way, this is important if I want to get into that Psychology course in Temasek Polytechnic. Having my desired course AND having it near my house is definitely a damned good bonus for me. I just hope the no cut-off points for it helps me out more than anyone else. Otherwise, I'll definitely do my best.
Of course, the same old problems still plague me, the little emotional "demons" of my past never fail to take up the correct opportunity to shove their hot little red tridents up my fat behind. God knows how they fit in anyway.
Sure as hell don't want to know.
This is one of the very rare personal posts I do, though I doubt anyone reads this often nowadays since I don't update it at all. Nothing new I guess.
Will say more if needed. Ciao.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Monday, September 03, 2007
How much can one actually hate him/herself? How much can such hate go? And even affect your own personal life? I guess it can. IT kills your confidence, your self-esteem and that, causes a chain of events that no one likes. Especially when it happens to them. Oh, it happens all the time for me, which is why I manage to shrug it off most of the time. Of course, I wouldn't say I'm totally immune to it. Its the opposite really; It happened so many times, I know what to feel, what to expect. Its just nothing new. You could say I'm half-numb to it already. Not really a good thing, but I'd wager it isn't that much of a bad thing after all.
With self-hate, comes doubting yourself, blaming yourself. Its the most justified manner of blaming. You can't give excuses to yourself; you know what they are and well, you deserve it. It is the worst kind of self-punishment someone can give him/herself. Cutting wrists? Nah, thats not emo. Thats being fucking retarded. Hope all wrist-cutters get tetanus and die of blood poisoning. Physical punishment sucks anyway.
Self-hate eh. Ponder.
With self-hate, comes doubting yourself, blaming yourself. Its the most justified manner of blaming. You can't give excuses to yourself; you know what they are and well, you deserve it. It is the worst kind of self-punishment someone can give him/herself. Cutting wrists? Nah, thats not emo. Thats being fucking retarded. Hope all wrist-cutters get tetanus and die of blood poisoning. Physical punishment sucks anyway.
Self-hate eh. Ponder.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
My story.
DISCLAIMER: This is a boring post about my life so far. If you hate me, don't like me, or get bored with longwinded crap, then get the heck out.
My name is Muhammad Shafyuddin bin Mohamed Basir, currently living in Bedok and I am 16 years old. This, is my life story. I was born to a average-income family, living in Bedok North, my mother having a Cesarean, in which she said (pretty recently, within a month) because I was goddamned stubborn. And I guess I still am. I went to a PAP-funded Kindergarten, and I met some fabulous friends (2 of which are STILL my friends now), and we faught our fair share of battles, including a small fight with a few Primary school bully wannabes. I was once caught talking too much, and was asked to teach the class. That wasn't so bad. Pretty fun, if I remembered right.
And Primary One came soon after. It was not a bad thing, really. Except for the fact I keep losing my stationery. All the time too. I remembered I had almost none left, except for my pencils... And it was during a fateful spelling test, in which I had no other choice, but to use my finger, wet with saliva, to erase something. My teacher found out later, and slapped me, telling me it was disguting. I remembered just giving her a blank look of innocence...
Primary Two went by quickly, very quickly. I could barely remember much. It was pretty straightforward.... Primary Three was influential, getting stuffed in the last class, made me see people and things I usually wouldn't. Of course, I was still the chatty brat I was. The male teacher, his name was... Mr Hazri? He used the fabled 1 Metre rule to slap the palm of my hand... and the ruler broke. That gave me temporary fame.
Primary Four, two schools merged, and I was now a member of some other school. Now in a class filled with unfamiliar and familiar faces, it took awhile to get used to again. But heck, it was filled with fun and experiences. Playing that mean arse in Oliver Twist, and getting slapped in the face for creating my own acronym. "Pee Pee (PP)" AKA Private Parts. That wasn't too pleasent....
Primary Five was the... "climax" of my emotions in that school. A fabled transfer student, one with such beauty, that almost the entire level (Entire Primary Five Cohort), all the malay boys had fallen for her, except those in the higher classes. I was at the border however, and I too, fell victim to her charms. I got even more attracted, during a camp when I was drafted in the same team as she was. I truely had a crush then, an immense one. But I preferred to remain friends, to keep quiet. I was just not good enough for her. I was a geek then, mind you. Glasses, high pants, fat, unfit...
So she didn't know. Untill one fateful day, it leaked. I only told 3 people, and only one would be the bastard to spread it. And so, you had all the boys in the level who liked her, bugging me, teasing me. I ran so slow, I couldn't catch them at all. I had never felt so... messed up in my life. My self esteem was very low. I'd throw temper tantrums, cry, scream. Heck, I cried in class everyday for months, seperated myself from the rest, blaming myself for being so pathetically lonely and alone. It just sucked, lets put it at that.
*Insert chain of events here*
A year passed, and well, I calmed down. I gave up running (I threw my heavy file instead. Worked very well, I might add.) to beat them down, and well, I slowly just got more positive. The other boys in my class. Heck, I got less geeky by as the months passed, playing soccer and stuff, spending time after school. And soon, it didn't matter.
Secondary One came after the PSLE, and I decided to totally turn into a new leaf, to forget how "emo" I was back then. It worked for the first few months, and I quickly made friends, being friendly and all. It worked. Heck, I got in too comfortably, maybe. I even had a crush again soon enough, giving her a Valentine's card. Ah, 3 years ago. All of it slowly started to fade, as I started getting those negative thoughts again. And in a year, I got back to square one.
Secondary Two was a messy year. My emotions got the better of me so often, I was blinded, silent, self-hating. It just sucked. I had so few friends, so little motivation. It was a difficult period. My "second" life over the internet didn't make it any easier at all. It just amplified it over and over. Details on this? Ask me personally. I'm too friggin lazy to write it all out.
Secondary Three, I was seriously back to square one. Giving myself a mental reform, changing all I can, I tried to at least. It was successful. I'd never been so happy in a long, long while. The negativity would float back once in awhile, but it was usually repellable. In that same year, I almost had her. The girl I loved. And then I lost it. My fault. I'm still currently thinking about it, but hey. Gotta look ahead and move on. That did allow a gap for the negativity, which, is still present.
Now I'm in Secondary Four, a mixture of positivity and negativity, both sides conflicting. So what are the choices I'll make this year? So far, its has not been so good at all... Ah well. We'll see what the future holds. Out.
My name is Muhammad Shafyuddin bin Mohamed Basir, currently living in Bedok and I am 16 years old. This, is my life story. I was born to a average-income family, living in Bedok North, my mother having a Cesarean, in which she said (pretty recently, within a month) because I was goddamned stubborn. And I guess I still am. I went to a PAP-funded Kindergarten, and I met some fabulous friends (2 of which are STILL my friends now), and we faught our fair share of battles, including a small fight with a few Primary school bully wannabes. I was once caught talking too much, and was asked to teach the class. That wasn't so bad. Pretty fun, if I remembered right.
And Primary One came soon after. It was not a bad thing, really. Except for the fact I keep losing my stationery. All the time too. I remembered I had almost none left, except for my pencils... And it was during a fateful spelling test, in which I had no other choice, but to use my finger, wet with saliva, to erase something. My teacher found out later, and slapped me, telling me it was disguting. I remembered just giving her a blank look of innocence...
Primary Two went by quickly, very quickly. I could barely remember much. It was pretty straightforward.... Primary Three was influential, getting stuffed in the last class, made me see people and things I usually wouldn't. Of course, I was still the chatty brat I was. The male teacher, his name was... Mr Hazri? He used the fabled 1 Metre rule to slap the palm of my hand... and the ruler broke. That gave me temporary fame.
Primary Four, two schools merged, and I was now a member of some other school. Now in a class filled with unfamiliar and familiar faces, it took awhile to get used to again. But heck, it was filled with fun and experiences. Playing that mean arse in Oliver Twist, and getting slapped in the face for creating my own acronym. "Pee Pee (PP)" AKA Private Parts. That wasn't too pleasent....
Primary Five was the... "climax" of my emotions in that school. A fabled transfer student, one with such beauty, that almost the entire level (Entire Primary Five Cohort), all the malay boys had fallen for her, except those in the higher classes. I was at the border however, and I too, fell victim to her charms. I got even more attracted, during a camp when I was drafted in the same team as she was. I truely had a crush then, an immense one. But I preferred to remain friends, to keep quiet. I was just not good enough for her. I was a geek then, mind you. Glasses, high pants, fat, unfit...
So she didn't know. Untill one fateful day, it leaked. I only told 3 people, and only one would be the bastard to spread it. And so, you had all the boys in the level who liked her, bugging me, teasing me. I ran so slow, I couldn't catch them at all. I had never felt so... messed up in my life. My self esteem was very low. I'd throw temper tantrums, cry, scream. Heck, I cried in class everyday for months, seperated myself from the rest, blaming myself for being so pathetically lonely and alone. It just sucked, lets put it at that.
*Insert chain of events here*
A year passed, and well, I calmed down. I gave up running (I threw my heavy file instead. Worked very well, I might add.) to beat them down, and well, I slowly just got more positive. The other boys in my class. Heck, I got less geeky by as the months passed, playing soccer and stuff, spending time after school. And soon, it didn't matter.
Secondary One came after the PSLE, and I decided to totally turn into a new leaf, to forget how "emo" I was back then. It worked for the first few months, and I quickly made friends, being friendly and all. It worked. Heck, I got in too comfortably, maybe. I even had a crush again soon enough, giving her a Valentine's card. Ah, 3 years ago. All of it slowly started to fade, as I started getting those negative thoughts again. And in a year, I got back to square one.
Secondary Two was a messy year. My emotions got the better of me so often, I was blinded, silent, self-hating. It just sucked. I had so few friends, so little motivation. It was a difficult period. My "second" life over the internet didn't make it any easier at all. It just amplified it over and over. Details on this? Ask me personally. I'm too friggin lazy to write it all out.
Secondary Three, I was seriously back to square one. Giving myself a mental reform, changing all I can, I tried to at least. It was successful. I'd never been so happy in a long, long while. The negativity would float back once in awhile, but it was usually repellable. In that same year, I almost had her. The girl I loved. And then I lost it. My fault. I'm still currently thinking about it, but hey. Gotta look ahead and move on. That did allow a gap for the negativity, which, is still present.
Now I'm in Secondary Four, a mixture of positivity and negativity, both sides conflicting. So what are the choices I'll make this year? So far, its has not been so good at all... Ah well. We'll see what the future holds. Out.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Boredom
Goddamn it, ever had those days when you really just had nothing to do? When you could literally sit infront of the computer monitor without much momvent, yet not really caring about it? I sometimes really wonder; these things really happen eh? Well, they're happening now, and its goddamned boring. Heck, its worse when you actually have a game or something to play, and you do the best thing ever concieved in an MMORPG; Sit down, sulk in loneliness and well... you actually alt+Tab out of the game and start surfing the net. No idea really, its just really sad. Something thats designed to waste your time, doesn't really waste it as well as it used to.
Yep, pretty sad when staring at your computer screen is mostly all you really do anymore.
Off to find more enjoyment eh?
And if you need porn; go wank untill it drops or something.
On a sidenote; Schools need to stop being so hypocritical, kthx.
Yep, pretty sad when staring at your computer screen is mostly all you really do anymore.
Off to find more enjoyment eh?
And if you need porn; go wank untill it drops or something.
On a sidenote; Schools need to stop being so hypocritical, kthx.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Shaft's pimp guidelines to getting a girl (Probably never will be put in action)
1)Buy things the girl would use.
Obviously... A ring or rose, wouldn't do. A ring might get annoying/too plain after a while. A rose would wilt.
Get something that might be "equipped on something she uses. A strap for her cell? A keychain for it?
Or BUY something she will use.
A watch? A handphone?
Practicality. <3
Besides. Handphonesl costs a few hundred. A ring might cost around the same.
Or star gazing. =3
Of course, I go for girls who love such things, I won't bore them to death on purpose >_>
And yes yes, even if the ladies like the cute little trinkets, rings and the like… Give it to them when you actually mean something to her. Don’t rush it, but don’t take too long either…
Monday, January 15, 2007
Whatever happens, time will go on, everflowing, everlasting, never waiting. It is up to you to make the best out of things. Whatever happens, will drown in time. Memories will be there to stay on in your heart. Friends will be there for you for your soul, and for the creation of more memories. And family will be where you call home. Live your life knowing you lived it being yourself, and not as any other individual, and be proud about it.
-Shaft
-Shaft
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Humans....
I don't know whether I'm happy even being human. I look at other people, I look at society, I look at myself. I understand that all of them aren't perfect, the least of it being me but... I mean, whats the point of being fucking mean to someone for no reason? To brand a person lower-class or stupid just becuase he has less intelligence and scores less for academical results? To brand them stupid just because they're in EM 3? In the normal stream?
No, these parents need to go and die. I'm not going to apologize if one of your parents happen to be on a high horse, because I sure as hell will hate them as much as anyone else. Because its parents like these who pressure the children who are in these lower streams. This will lead to the loss of morale and motivation to study on. This should NOT be the case. And because of that, the MOE will be phasing this streaming process out of the syllibus. Does that mean the less academically inclined will have to study the same crap with these "smarter" students? No. They'll get even worse marks. And whats the difference to them? None. Maybe they'll get more motivation to try harder but... We'll see.
Isn't the human race fantastic? With all its flaws, phyiscally and mentally? Aye aye.
And now the debate whether being either a girl or a boy is harder. For this, I shall speak up for the boys, and not for the girls. As usual, you're welcome to leave your comments.
Boys have pride, which I know some girls have, but as for boys, their pride is very... fragile. As fragile as any vain person could be. This differs on the guy though, I guess.
You know what, fuck it. I'll just stop here. =3
No, these parents need to go and die. I'm not going to apologize if one of your parents happen to be on a high horse, because I sure as hell will hate them as much as anyone else. Because its parents like these who pressure the children who are in these lower streams. This will lead to the loss of morale and motivation to study on. This should NOT be the case. And because of that, the MOE will be phasing this streaming process out of the syllibus. Does that mean the less academically inclined will have to study the same crap with these "smarter" students? No. They'll get even worse marks. And whats the difference to them? None. Maybe they'll get more motivation to try harder but... We'll see.
Isn't the human race fantastic? With all its flaws, phyiscally and mentally? Aye aye.
And now the debate whether being either a girl or a boy is harder. For this, I shall speak up for the boys, and not for the girls. As usual, you're welcome to leave your comments.
Boys have pride, which I know some girls have, but as for boys, their pride is very... fragile. As fragile as any vain person could be. This differs on the guy though, I guess.
You know what, fuck it. I'll just stop here. =3
Monday, January 08, 2007
A reason to be here.
Correct me if I'm wrong, for my next post will be more towards the point of view of men, and less of women. HOWEVER, I am open to both point of views and I will sincerely appreciate both sides of this post. But since I'm a boy, I'm a afraid I'll have to do this in a slightly biased way, but girls can express themselves on the comments and tagboards anytime they wished. Most men are what you would call... Not as independant as you think. They need a reason to live, and they want to make sure that they'll do it. They want to make sure that they'll be happy doing it. Its a hidden weakness that most men have.
When men lose contact of that reason, the sole reason to stay awake, to stay there waiting for someone, they simply just lose any motivation. Don't get me wrong. They don't go pathetically emotional and start having suicidal thoughts. They're just more capable of sitting down, or lying down still, and staying there untill they have something to do, is all. They lose any general motivation to do much. They'll have enough to keep on living, but other than that, they'll lose any morale to do anything else.
This is most probably the lowest point in the life of most men. In these situations, the man would feel that he is of no use to anyone and that he can't do much. When he tries to do anything, he feels no sense of urgency, and infact, he doesn't even care much. Although this might differ depending on the task and who he's doing it for. Homework would probably be left behind, long forgotten.
Oh hey, guess what. I'm out of juice. If you want to know more, just drop a message. Maybe I'll write more.
When men lose contact of that reason, the sole reason to stay awake, to stay there waiting for someone, they simply just lose any motivation. Don't get me wrong. They don't go pathetically emotional and start having suicidal thoughts. They're just more capable of sitting down, or lying down still, and staying there untill they have something to do, is all. They lose any general motivation to do much. They'll have enough to keep on living, but other than that, they'll lose any morale to do anything else.
This is most probably the lowest point in the life of most men. In these situations, the man would feel that he is of no use to anyone and that he can't do much. When he tries to do anything, he feels no sense of urgency, and infact, he doesn't even care much. Although this might differ depending on the task and who he's doing it for. Homework would probably be left behind, long forgotten.
Oh hey, guess what. I'm out of juice. If you want to know more, just drop a message. Maybe I'll write more.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Thanks Angela. <3
I'd like to sincerely thank Angela for this beautiful blogskin she made for me. I owe her a meal. >_>
Monday, January 01, 2007
New year
Ah, look, 2007 just came. School's in 2 days too. *sigh*. Ah well, gotta look forward to all the potential problems that might need to be faced. I sense a fruitful, yet stressful and... somewhat emotionally strained future. I can almost taste it. Not really too good but... Ah boy.
At any rate, "Happy" New Year. ^^
At any rate, "Happy" New Year. ^^
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