Hurr. Picture from Prom night, 14th November, 2007. (I took almost an hour picking a picture. D=)
Anyway, back to the topic at hand...
I've been reflecting on myself over the past few months, especially the period when I had no school whatsoever, thinking and reflecting and seeing what kind of person I had been over the past few years in Secondary school. Vowing to change whatever in whatever way that I can and I know, will be better for the people around myself. But for now, I'd like to post about how I see myself and how I understand myself in whatever way I can in words.
I'm an "everyman". I think of myself as someone who's probably into many, many things. I'm into literature, poetry, art, anything classical and civilized. Yet I'm also into rock, some rap. The modern stuff and culture. I'm interested in them as well. This has even taken root in my personality. Characteristics. And further confused me as to who I really am.
I'm pretty outgoing. I don't mind doing things for people. I joke, I want to make people happy, for them to smile. Maybe for some attention to myself, so I don't feel dead. I feed off attention, I want to be alive. But selflessly as well. Its not just the attention. Their happiness matters first. I'd hate to hinder their studies or anything as well, so I'd prevent doing anything to annoy them as much as I can. I pretty much fit into the class joker/slacker category, with me skipping out on homework, but still being "well-behaved" enough.
At the same time, I'm an introvert. I might want to be alone, to recuperate, to think about the world. About why human beings can be so harsh, yet so caring. The contrasts between different people and why they're different, but yet have such glaring similarities. Why is this so? The world around me at times, can be insignificant. I search for myself. Who I really am. What really makes me happy?
And about my imperfections, my perverse thoughts and how that has ruined a few relationships. Don't get me wrong. Relationships in general, be it friends or anything more or less, between people. My attitude. Selfish wants. My urges. Why?
Why am I such a fucktard?
Yet I love who I am. I don't completely hate it.
But I've worn down. A void has been ripped out from my heart and soul. I'm still to blame for whatever I've done to myself. And I can't be any more or less apologetic. But there's only so much the word "sorry" can do. The wasted time. The disappointment. The sadness. Anger. Any feeling I've caused others. There's only so much I can do.
I can apologize. Hate myself. Do something. But...
-sighs-
And yet...
I've become Jaded.
Carefree. Oblivious. None of it matters now. The past is the past. Things happen, people move on.
And all I can do, is hope they forget whatever I did, forget me, and live on their lives with a smile on their faces. But my door is always open to them if they so wish, though I doubt I'm ever good enough for them anymore.... I just want to do what i can, even if they make use of me as some... "back-seat" friend.
Like I said; I'm already jaded. If they're happy, thats good enough for me. Disappointment, sadness, anger. There's only so much these emotions can bring and do.
Silence. Calmness. Serenity. The things I want in my mind. The clarity to make the decisions that really matter.
And maybe one day, find someone who loves me...
... Harr. Huge laughs.
Shaft, out.
