Random eh?

I was clearing my inbox and sent items, just looking through the past 2 years of E-mails that I had sent.

This one particularly touched me, and I guess I'll post it out here. This is me, sending this to a few people, back on 8th of march, year 2007.

>Pretty much, the past few weeks of the holiday have been absolutely boring, without any good conversations going on, or the chance of having one, for the entire month. I've patched up with a few people, and I feel good I guess, as I do get a little farther from certain people. Its a little balance I guess. I can't be with everyone, despite whatever I do. Its a little hidden secret of mine that I actually want to be friends with everyone for the longest time possible without losing contact, despite how I seem to be a little distant. But at times, I just wait for them to message, only finding myself having to start it first, but ending up failing as the person is already flooded with messages, or one way or another. Lack of time maybe, but eh. Rofl.

Time has passed, people have matured. And I got over things already. Sure, I still got my usual jealous urges, but I'll have to get over it sometime. Life is life, its never really fair for some people at certain times. I'll have to accept that for the little realist I want to be, I strive to be. Despite its little "conflict" against my so-called horoscope, Pisces, as it mentions that Pisces people are usually dreaming and love to fantasize. And I admit, I do fantasize. Meeting people like you, wondering what we'd do, and so on and so forth. Fantasies galore without any of them having a chance to come true. I guess its isn't healthy, but its how I... "live". Its how I think. Its how I will be until the day I die.

And instead of whining, crying, not accepting the fact, I'd rather take it head on and grit the discomfort away. Because nothing I do will change anything. I'll have to stick to one designation throughout everything. If people are happy, then so am I. I tell myself that all the time, almost lying to myself. It'll be alright if they're happy right?

But there's always that little disappointment you feel for not being the one for her, or that person. Maybe you want another shot at it, possibly with a different person. But you can't wait. Time passes so slowly, painfully but nothing happens at all. I'm prepared for that possibility, planning out my life as minimally as possible with maximum flexibility just in case anything happens. But otherwise, I'll be living a pretty standard, boring life. Donating what extra I have off my paycheck to orphanages, buying video games when off work and making friends and doing what I do best to most people; Be their best buddy.

I understand that to most girls, I seem more like a big teddy bear. The best friend that doesn't mind listening to every single thing they say, always looking into me for insight on the opposite gender. And I accept it. Even if most of them do not look any further than that, its what I am. All attempts at showing off my inner side have ended up imploding in my own face, making myself pissed, disappointed, filled with envy and just... dejected.

But thats what living a life is I guess. Experimenting, adapting, getting to know people and circumstances better. Its a painful yet somewhat enriching process. And yet, you have to wonder; why am I writing this E-mail? Maybe its because I trust you. Maybe its because I wanted you to get your mind off things. Maybe I wanted to just express myself to someone whom I admit, is somewhat stronger.

For someone like me, Its hard for me to actually accept I bared myself to someone. Its a little degrading in my mindset to submit myself, or open myself up like this, somewhat. I've always wanted to appear strong, helping out in whatever way I can. But I've never really had anyone to do the same with. And ironically, the people I help. I long for someone who can help me in the same way. But like I said, we'll see what time has in store for me, and for you.

I've got no idea how I wrote something this long, but there you have it. I actually did. Maybe you can write about how I am to you, maybe you can express yourself. Maybe you can say how my ideas are childish or just noble. Its all up to you. Heck, you don't even need to reply if you have something else to do. I guess thats fine, and I'm used to it by now. Your happiness is prioritized over my own at any time, despite whatever I think it might be.


- Shaft