They say that you only realize the value of things only after you lose them, be it people, objects, privileges or just certain aspects of your life, such as perhaps, a relationship, family or school. Sure, its overused, and some might even put it up as cliche, but lets all be honest.
Things are cliche because they're true to an extent. If its used by so many, then it can be said to be some sort of philosophy, no? Something judged by many people over many decades, if not centuries, of the same expressions being used repeatedly in the same context. Some part of it must be truth, if not all.
And recently, I have lost something dear to me. Perhaps due to circumstance, perhaps due to how pathetic I was. Maybe I didn't treasure the moments. Or a good mixture of everything, really.
But none of it matters anymore; Its already happened. No point fretting and bawling about it, really. Only one thing matters; To move on.
Life ain't going to end anytime soon. And time isn't going to wait for my sorry, depressive ass to take its time to get up on my own two feet to walk the distance of my life. Its going to move on and on, relentlessly, no matter how many times I fall, or how hard I fall. Uncaring of whether my heart was shattered, my ego bruised, or self-esteem flushed down the sewers. Time will go on, apathetically, forever.
Well, until this soul of mine is snuffed out by some unnatural accident or natural causes, at least. I wouldn't be able to notice time if I'm dead.
I don't have many motivations, or do I have any aspirations or dreams.
I just want to live. Find my purpose or calling in life.
One step at a time.
Oh, one more thing.
Happy Valentines' Day, motherfuckers.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Friday, June 12, 2009
Drown out the distortions in your thoughts, audible voices that can be understood, words among the sounds, distracting you, discouraging you from what you want to achieve from something. Or turning your attentions away from the solutions, the bright side of things. Instead, focusing them on the negatives of a certain event or happening, the consequences happening by your own two hands as you react to the stimulus, affected by the distortions.
Why can things never be so simple? There's always so many factors involved. A third party? Feeling torn? Choices? Is it really worth all of this shit I'm going to walk through?
Or am I really the cause of all this? Is it so hard to just wish for one thing and want nothing else more than that one, single thing?
Is it so bad to just be selfish, just this once?
Reality seems to say yes. Fingers point to you, even your own. Guilt wells up upon you, can you handle the burden? Thinking about the risks doesn't cut it anymore.
Then again, they never really do. What can happen, what can you do to avoid them, or solve them in the end. That should be the case. Risk-taking is one thing, managing it is another. Even so, too many people mistake one for the other.
Far too many, in more ways than one.
Love. The most oxymoronic word I've ever really seen. It can be so wonderful, yet so painful. Contradictions in one, beautiful word that most people even shirk at its mere mention to this day.
One-sided love is a pretty good example. You do it willingly, painfully. Without logic, without reason.
Its not the first time,
But it wouldn't be the last.
Shaft out.
Why can things never be so simple? There's always so many factors involved. A third party? Feeling torn? Choices? Is it really worth all of this shit I'm going to walk through?
Or am I really the cause of all this? Is it so hard to just wish for one thing and want nothing else more than that one, single thing?
Is it so bad to just be selfish, just this once?
Reality seems to say yes. Fingers point to you, even your own. Guilt wells up upon you, can you handle the burden? Thinking about the risks doesn't cut it anymore.
Then again, they never really do. What can happen, what can you do to avoid them, or solve them in the end. That should be the case. Risk-taking is one thing, managing it is another. Even so, too many people mistake one for the other.
Far too many, in more ways than one.
Love. The most oxymoronic word I've ever really seen. It can be so wonderful, yet so painful. Contradictions in one, beautiful word that most people even shirk at its mere mention to this day.
One-sided love is a pretty good example. You do it willingly, painfully. Without logic, without reason.
Its not the first time,
But it wouldn't be the last.
Shaft out.
Monday, April 27, 2009
The song in the background of my blog plays through my mind, filling my head with memories as to why I created the blog in the first place. The memories that inspired each blog post, and the events that transpired after these very blogposts. The links that most of you wouldn't really know about, yet appear crystal clear to me, each post carrying an encryption of a chapter into my life, an unbreakable code, its answers hidden deep in my heart.
An abstract body of words, filled with emotion as I inscribe them onto the text box on the screen, the typing facilitating it as I mentally dictate, the speed at which I type ensuring that no idea or thought escapes and even so, the output is tame, with the soothing, background theme of my blog playing, constantly reminding me of the reason why I started this blog in the first place.
Once more into the breach, my friend.
Contemplation, fueled by the need to understand one's self, to fully comprehend the thoughts behind each emotion, the emotion behind each fragment of thought, and the physical output of these thoughts, how they manifest into mannerisms, actions, attitudes towards people. How they are expressed to those around me, how I seem to them as I do so.
Must I put myself through so much scrutiny? Am I not as imperfectly human as everyone else?
Contradictions, as thoughts crash into each other, agreeing yet disagreeing, your mind engulfed in the chaos of its wake, confused and yet, protected by a countermeasure that had been created together by your very mind and body, a by-product of many such internal conflicts within one's mind.
Do I embrace this apathy? This jaded feeling? Perhaps.
Or is it just a ruse? Something I hide behind to not show my vulnerabilities? Or so I think. To some, that very barrier I wrap around myself is nothing but a lie. A bubble of insincerity that I have wrapped around myself, selfishly, perhaps.
Contemplation.
Really though, who gives a shit. I'm just going to live life as it is. Imma let whatever fate has in store for me and fucking go for it.
And if anything...
I gotta be myself throughout.
Shaft, out.
An abstract body of words, filled with emotion as I inscribe them onto the text box on the screen, the typing facilitating it as I mentally dictate, the speed at which I type ensuring that no idea or thought escapes and even so, the output is tame, with the soothing, background theme of my blog playing, constantly reminding me of the reason why I started this blog in the first place.
Once more into the breach, my friend.
Contemplation, fueled by the need to understand one's self, to fully comprehend the thoughts behind each emotion, the emotion behind each fragment of thought, and the physical output of these thoughts, how they manifest into mannerisms, actions, attitudes towards people. How they are expressed to those around me, how I seem to them as I do so.
Must I put myself through so much scrutiny? Am I not as imperfectly human as everyone else?
Contradictions, as thoughts crash into each other, agreeing yet disagreeing, your mind engulfed in the chaos of its wake, confused and yet, protected by a countermeasure that had been created together by your very mind and body, a by-product of many such internal conflicts within one's mind.
Do I embrace this apathy? This jaded feeling? Perhaps.
Or is it just a ruse? Something I hide behind to not show my vulnerabilities? Or so I think. To some, that very barrier I wrap around myself is nothing but a lie. A bubble of insincerity that I have wrapped around myself, selfishly, perhaps.
Contemplation.
Really though, who gives a shit. I'm just going to live life as it is. Imma let whatever fate has in store for me and fucking go for it.
And if anything...
I gotta be myself throughout.
Shaft, out.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Pretty damned good. One of the best quizzes ever. Far from the teensy, angst-filled, obvious quizzes in quizilla.
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Who is your true self:
You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
Who is your true self:
You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Felt like doing a quiz.
No lying on the quiz.
Starting Time: 0106 hours
Name: Shafyuddin AKA Shaft
Sisters: 3
Brothers: 0
Eye Color: Brown/Black
Shoe size: 13
Hair: Black / Very slight tinge of brown under sunlight
Piercings: 0
Height: 175
What are you wearing right now?
Pants
Where do you live?
Singapore, Bedok
Favorite Number: 4
Favorite Drink: Iced Water
Favorite Month: June
Favorite Breakfast: Anything that warms the tummy.
***********Have You Ever***********
Broken a bone: No
Been in a police car: No
Been on a plane: Yes
Been in a hot tub: Yes
Swam in the ocean: Yes
Fallen asleep in school: Ho ho, alot.
Broken someone’s heart: ... Perhaps.
Cried when someone died?: Nope.
Fell off your chair: Yep.
Sat by the phone all night waiing for someone to call: I guess so.
Saved e-mails: Yes
Been cheated on: Hmm... Yeah.
***********What is************
Your room like? : Corner by the living room. <_<
What is right beside you? Blanket, Pillow.
What is the last thing you ate? : Rice + Meat + gravy
———————-Ever Had- ————————-
Chicken pox: No.
Sore throat: Yep.
Stitches: Nope.
Broken nose: Nope.
————————-Do You————————–
Believe in love at first sight?: Mmhm.
Like picnics: Always.
———————————————————
Who was the last person you danced with?: One of my ITE Classmates...
Who last made you smile?: Can't remember.
————————–Who—————————
Did you last yell at?: Mark Aaron Lee.
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?: Neither.
———-Final Questions————-
What are you listening to right now?: Blade Chord - Abingdon Boys School
What did you do today? Bathed, ate, drank, took the bus, train, talked to friends, got myself into my project groups, talked, socialized, got my ass home.
Hate someone in your family?: Not really.
Diamond or pearl? Pearl.
Are you the oldest? Nope.
Indoors or outdoors: Both are fine.
——————Today did you———————-
1. Talk to someone you like?: Kinda.
2. Kiss anyone? Nope.
3. Get sick? Sore Throat + Cough
4. Sing? Yep.
5. Talk to an ex? What ex? <_<
6. Miss someone?: Mmm...
7. Eat?: Yarr.
—————-Last person who——————
8. You talked to on the phone?: Nafika
9. Made you cry?: Huh.
10. Went to the movies with? Hua Wei?
11. You went to the mall with? Tako.
——————Have you——————-
19. Been to Mexico? No
20. Been to USA? No
——————-Random——————–
21. Have a crush on someone?: -sigh-
22. What books are you reading right now? Textbooks. <_<
23. Best feeling in the world? Satiation.
24. Future kids names? Hurr hurr.
25. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? -points to self-
26. What’s under your bed? Air.
27. Favorite sport(s) to watch?: Hmmm.
28. Favorite place: Home.
29. Who do you really hate?: Arrogance.
30. Do you have a job?: Nope.
31. What time is it now? 0117 Hours.
No lying on the quiz.
Starting Time: 0106 hours
Name: Shafyuddin AKA Shaft
Sisters: 3
Brothers: 0
Eye Color: Brown/Black
Shoe size: 13
Hair: Black / Very slight tinge of brown under sunlight
Piercings: 0
Height: 175
What are you wearing right now?
Pants
Where do you live?
Singapore, Bedok
Favorite Number: 4
Favorite Drink: Iced Water
Favorite Month: June
Favorite Breakfast: Anything that warms the tummy.
***********Have You Ever***********
Broken a bone: No
Been in a police car: No
Been on a plane: Yes
Been in a hot tub: Yes
Swam in the ocean: Yes
Fallen asleep in school: Ho ho, alot.
Broken someone’s heart: ... Perhaps.
Cried when someone died?: Nope.
Fell off your chair: Yep.
Sat by the phone all night waiing for someone to call: I guess so.
Saved e-mails: Yes
Been cheated on: Hmm... Yeah.
***********What is************
Your room like? : Corner by the living room. <_<
What is right beside you? Blanket, Pillow.
What is the last thing you ate? : Rice + Meat + gravy
———————-Ever Had- ————————-
Chicken pox: No.
Sore throat: Yep.
Stitches: Nope.
Broken nose: Nope.
————————-Do You————————–
Believe in love at first sight?: Mmhm.
Like picnics: Always.
———————————————————
Who was the last person you danced with?: One of my ITE Classmates...
Who last made you smile?: Can't remember.
————————–Who—————————
Did you last yell at?: Mark Aaron Lee.
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?: Neither.
———-Final Questions————-
What are you listening to right now?: Blade Chord - Abingdon Boys School
What did you do today? Bathed, ate, drank, took the bus, train, talked to friends, got myself into my project groups, talked, socialized, got my ass home.
Hate someone in your family?: Not really.
Diamond or pearl? Pearl.
Are you the oldest? Nope.
Indoors or outdoors: Both are fine.
——————Today did you———————-
1. Talk to someone you like?: Kinda.
2. Kiss anyone? Nope.
3. Get sick? Sore Throat + Cough
4. Sing? Yep.
5. Talk to an ex? What ex? <_<
6. Miss someone?: Mmm...
7. Eat?: Yarr.
—————-Last person who——————
8. You talked to on the phone?: Nafika
9. Made you cry?: Huh.
10. Went to the movies with? Hua Wei?
11. You went to the mall with? Tako.
——————Have you——————-
19. Been to Mexico? No
20. Been to USA? No
——————-Random——————–
21. Have a crush on someone?: -sigh-
22. What books are you reading right now? Textbooks. <_<
23. Best feeling in the world? Satiation.
24. Future kids names? Hurr hurr.
25. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? -points to self-
26. What’s under your bed? Air.
27. Favorite sport(s) to watch?: Hmmm.
28. Favorite place: Home.
29. Who do you really hate?: Arrogance.
30. Do you have a job?: Nope.
31. What time is it now? 0117 Hours.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
-takes a deep breath and starts to type-
Emptiness, melancholy, sadness yet somewhat satisfied, hanging around, strummung the guitar practicing chords 'till your fingers get sore from the fresh, stiff strings. The amateur fingers still soft, calluses unformed. Playing the same 4 chords over and over, attempting to quicken the transition between E minor, C, G, D. Playing it with different self-experimented strumming patterns, with two different picks, and his uncallused thumb, struming backwards with this thumbnail to create some sort of an echo.
As he tried his best to do so, his mind wandered, to his past, present and his possible future. The possible consequences of his every action, how it would affect possible aspects of his future. His thoughts distracted him, as the pick slipped past his fingers and right into the gaping hole of the guitar's main body, as the strings echoed the mis-played chord into that very same hole.
"Fuck."
He sighed, as he turned the guitar over, shaking it and moving it in various positions to get the pick out. By the time he did, the pain in his fingers had fully surfaced, and he put the guitar to rest for the day, laying it against his TV, noticing his red finger tips and the impressions the strings had made upon them, wondering when the calluses would appear.
He sat on his bed, leaning on the rough wall, as he looked upon his laptop.
The various programs, clients he had on. The people on them, or not on them. Not replying to his messages. Did he do anything wrong? He would never really know. They wouldn't reply. With some form of guilt welling inside him, he sighed. It was pointless to worry. It wouldn't do anything. Perhaps he would find out some other time.
He had learnt to smile through the disappointment, discomfort or guilt. Sulking did nothing but worsen his mood, negative thoughts welling up. Smiling? Was he lying to himself?
Eh, what else was there to do? Smile and live another day. Its not like the world revolves around him. As he'd always repeat to himself, and others.
"I'm just another man."
Leaving a few messages that he wouldn't be back for two days, hopefully, the person he addresses it to would at least read it.
Shaft, out.
Emptiness, melancholy, sadness yet somewhat satisfied, hanging around, strummung the guitar practicing chords 'till your fingers get sore from the fresh, stiff strings. The amateur fingers still soft, calluses unformed. Playing the same 4 chords over and over, attempting to quicken the transition between E minor, C, G, D. Playing it with different self-experimented strumming patterns, with two different picks, and his uncallused thumb, struming backwards with this thumbnail to create some sort of an echo.
As he tried his best to do so, his mind wandered, to his past, present and his possible future. The possible consequences of his every action, how it would affect possible aspects of his future. His thoughts distracted him, as the pick slipped past his fingers and right into the gaping hole of the guitar's main body, as the strings echoed the mis-played chord into that very same hole.
"Fuck."
He sighed, as he turned the guitar over, shaking it and moving it in various positions to get the pick out. By the time he did, the pain in his fingers had fully surfaced, and he put the guitar to rest for the day, laying it against his TV, noticing his red finger tips and the impressions the strings had made upon them, wondering when the calluses would appear.
He sat on his bed, leaning on the rough wall, as he looked upon his laptop.
The various programs, clients he had on. The people on them, or not on them. Not replying to his messages. Did he do anything wrong? He would never really know. They wouldn't reply. With some form of guilt welling inside him, he sighed. It was pointless to worry. It wouldn't do anything. Perhaps he would find out some other time.
He had learnt to smile through the disappointment, discomfort or guilt. Sulking did nothing but worsen his mood, negative thoughts welling up. Smiling? Was he lying to himself?
Eh, what else was there to do? Smile and live another day. Its not like the world revolves around him. As he'd always repeat to himself, and others.
"I'm just another man."
Leaving a few messages that he wouldn't be back for two days, hopefully, the person he addresses it to would at least read it.
Shaft, out.
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